


Broken Without You

by Sapphic_R



Category: Ocean's (Movies), Ocean's 8, Ocean's Eight
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-12 04:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphic_R/pseuds/Sapphic_R
Summary: Lou knew there was stuff that Debbie never talked about, she was Debbie Ocean, queen of maintaining a cool and calm surface that could hide a whole world. The darkest depths of that world, however, contain unimaginable pain and the immense power to break through the walls that Lou had protected herself with.Debbie would always be the only one who could break Lou’s heart.Set straight after the end of the Ocean's 8 movie.





	1. Unrequited Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter One: Lou and Debbie each have time alone to dwell on their feelings.

With wind ripping through her hair and exhilarating freedom searing through her body, Lou was home. Home. Only there was something missing. A huge, gaping emptiness nagged at her from the inside, making sure she couldn’t forget the one thing she loved aside from her bike and the escapism that came with it.

Stopping to take in the stunning view of the ocean from her position on California’s coastline, a lustful sigh escaped her. The ocean. Her mind drifted to her Ocean, picturing her lounging about back at the loft, maybe with some of the gang. Or perhaps she was visiting Danny, she’d always loved him so much and they looked out for each other, Debbie had so much more than a brother to mourn.

Pain nearly brought tears to her eyes as Lou thought back to the long and lonely years that Debbie had been inside (jail), and the greater pain of what had led to her predicament. Casual as their relationship had been, and no matter how much they’d insisted on the lack of strings, for Lou, there would always be strings where Deborah Ocean was concerned. She loved her so much it physically hurt, but Deb could never know that. The reunion had been so overwhelming and so perfect, as if no time had passed, and no hearts had been shattered. The distraction and thrill of the heist over their recent weeks together had put the feelings to the back of her mind, and somehow Lou had managed to keep her cool exterior. That was, until the end. When all was taken care of and they knew they’d been impossibly successful, before she knew what she was doing, Lou had kissed her. She tried to wave it off in the excitement, but Debbie was having none of it. Panic had flooded her as she realised that she couldn’t face her own feelings, and definitely couldn’t face Deb being suspicious of them. And that’s why Lou had to leave.

***

The gang were all off living their dreams in their riches or back with their families, and although they’d all promised to stay in touch and drop by, it definitely wouldn’t be soon. Debbie had grown fond of them all and craved their company, but had accepted that she would be alone for a while, which she wouldn’t have really minded if it weren’t for the space to overthink and the flashbacks to her time inside.

Since Lou’s sudden embrace, Deb had thought of little else. It was a shock and she had questioned it at the time, but what confused her more, was Lou’s immediate departure afterwards. Without even a goodbye. It had been over a week, and a nasty feeling said Lou wasn’t coming back. Maybe she hated Debbie for what she had done to her all those years ago, perhaps this was payback; a reminder of what used to be and what could have been, had Debbie not been a complete jerk. But since she was released, it was almost as if Lou had forgotten everything. It didn’t make sense.

Her feelings for Lou were resurfacing as she played the memories in her head. Why had she ever ran off with Becker? There was the tiniest bit of attraction to him and a big attraction to the money, but in hindsight, the main attraction was making Lou jealous. Jealous of the relationship or the cash, she wasn’t entirely sure, but either way, it had worked. She was horrible. She deserved the prison sentence for that alone. Debbie hated herself for it, and Lou probably (and rightfully) did too.

***

Another week on and Lou was still missing Debbie’s company. Although she was undeniably enjoying her solo road trip, she couldn’t help thinking it would be better if Deb was at her side. She was going to have to accept that she was in love sooner or later.

It was late, very late, one night when Lou felt her phone buzz. It had gone off so little since she’d been away it made her jump. The crowded bar didn’t notice, and nor did they notice the anxiety that replaced the body that had been present a second before. The text was from Debbie, and something was wrong. Debbie would never go to the trouble of sending a message to just say:

“Miss you x.”

The time had come for Lou to make her way back.

***

Debbie was a mess. She’d been drinking a lot and had barely eaten for two weeks; a recipe for disaster. She’d convinced herself by now that Lou loathed her, and was punishing Debbie in her absence by bringing up all these feelings for her to dwell on. She regretted Becker more than ever, not only for Lou, but also for Danny. She hadn’t been there for him when he needed her; and he’d been killed. With the distraction of the heist, it hadn’t had time to hit her that she was out here on her own now, that Danny really wasn’t here, and that it was her fault. Her fault. Hers. All of it. Lou, Danny, Becker, her own sentence. Debbie couldn’t bear it any more. She needed Lou to know she was sorry. She really missed her, so she grabbed her phone, barely able to read the screen, before going back to her tequila.


	2. Spilt Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie finally opens up to Lou.

When Lou arrived back at the loft the next day, the sight she was greeted with sent a wave of dizziness over her: Debbie lay motionless at an odd angle on the floor, which was littered with empty cans and bottles. What had she done?

Lou rushed over to her in a panic beyond words, dreading what she would find. She let out an enormous sigh of relief, and nearly laughed, however, upon finding that she was just asleep, evidently having fallen off the sofa. With the state Debs was in, it looked like this might be the first time she’d slept in a while, and it definitely looked alcohol induced. She had lost weight, her hair was a mess, there were dark bags under her eyes and her skin was slightly red and blotchy- had she been crying? Lou settled herself in the perfect position to adjust her so Debbie’s head lay in Lou’s lap, where she gently stroked her hair and took in her beautiful features, peaceful in sleep.

Barely a few minutes had passed before Debbie started to stir.

“Hey, honey.” Lou whispered gently.

Her eyes flickered open.

“Lou!” It came out in a sob.

She was taken aback as Debbie suddenly flung her arms around her and sobbed into her shoulder. Definitely still drunk. Debbie never cries, she always has her shit together when she has company, all part of the charm.

It was a little while before Lou realised that there were words coming out between the sobs. They were incomprehensible as they were being spoken into her shoulder, and Lou worried slightly as she wondered if Debbie realised this.

“Deb,” she said pulling away so they were eye to eye, “What the hell happened?”

Debbie’s bottom lip trembled and tears leaked from her eyes.

“It’s all my fault.” She chocked, and Lou pulled her back in to a soft hug, confused. She’d never seen Deb like this before. Sure, she’d seen her completely off her face, but only in tears when a con required the acting.

They hugged, still sat on the floor, for what felt like hours, Lou holding Debbie tight, rubbing her back and breathing uncharacteristically encouraging words until the sobbing started to subside. It was in this moment that Lou realised how vulnerable Debbie was being with her, it was as if she was finally being allowed to know her whole being. She fell in love even further, if that was possible.

When Debbie finally spoke, it wasn’t quite what Lou had expected, but she wasn’t overly surprised, and she hurried after her to the bathroom. She held her hair back as Deb heaved up pure liquid, concerned that perhaps she hadn’t eaten a thing over the whole two weeks. Something was really, really wrong. Lou sat on the bathroom floor with Deb for about half an hour, keeping a hold of her hair and rubbing her back again. It was just like when they were underage clubbing and Debbie had no idea what her limits were. Lou almost jumped in alarm when she realised tears were filling her eyes, she sniffed and concentrated hard on the dainty blue flowers covering the tiles on the wall, hoping to god that Debbie wouldn’t notice. What this woman was doing to her was breaking her.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Debbie mumbled as they sat cross-legged on the sofa a little later with water in hand.

“I’m sorry, I just.. I’m worried, Deb, really worried.”

“Well don’t be. I’m fine.”

“Deborah Ocean, the state you’re in, do not go telling me you’re fine. You’re not. And I don’t know what I can say to make it better, but I’m here, okay?”

Debbie looked at Lou, staring into her eyes for an eternity. She looked as if she was considering saying something, but decided better of it and gave a slight nod. They sat in silence for a little while before curiosity got the better of her.

“What did you mean it’s all your fault?”

She watched Debbie sit up a little straighter, slowly glance at Lou, and look back to the floor before she began to talk.

“You, Danny, Becker, jail.. all the shit. My fault.”

“Wha-”

“No, don’t do that, don’t look like that, don’t tell me I’m wrong. It’s all because of stupid fucking me.” She was almost shouting, as tears filled her beautiful eyes once more. Lou didn’t understand, but she could feel the pain. When she reached for Deb’s hand, however, she was pushed away.

“Please.. Don’t.” She sniffed, “I can’t stand this, I’m normally alone. But you caught me out and I can’t act.. Can’t act anymore, Lou. I’m broken.” And she was sobbing again, reluctantly letting Lou hold her.

“I thought you were never coming back, thought you hated me for what I did to you, and leaving me was punishment or.. or something..” She spoke softly, her head on Lou’s shoulder.

“I could never hate you, Deb. You’re my world.” Debbie’s words drilled into her, spreading guilt in their wake. Was this all her, Lou’s, fault? She shouldn’t have left, or should have at least told her she was going off for a short while.

“Really? Even after Becker? After leaving you like that?”

“Really.” Her word was confident, final. If only Debbie knew how loved she really was. And maybe this was the moment to say it, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Debbie continued.

“Danny. Danny was my fault. I should have been there for him, but the fucking idiot I am got thrown in a cell. I’ll never forgive myself. And I’ll never see him again.”

Lou was surprised to hear Debbie speak so negatively about herself, to put things on herself that couldn’t possibly be her fault. Despite her immediate attempts however, there was no reasoning with the Ocean. She was set on self-hatred, and clearly, she had been in self-destruct mode.

“What’s happened to you, Deb?” She whispered running her fingers through her dark hair.

There was a prolonged silence.

“Nothing happened.” Came a gentle whisper back. “The pain’s always been there. I learned to live with it and it’s a part of me now, but recently.. I just.. lost it.”

Lou’s confusion must have shown.

“When I was a child, I was always just in the way, no one ever wanted me there. I often wondered if Danny only ever helped me because he felt sorry for me, or to keep me from screwing things up. At least he was nicer than dad about that though. He’d throw me out the room and onto the floor or even lock me in a cupboard when I got on his nerves. I don’t think I’ve ever been loved and, well, who could ever love me anyway? But I dealt with that. Even when Becker was a surprisingly likely candidate but broke me more than ever. Even inside, when the hatred I felt for myself was displayed by the people all around me. I’ve always had something to prove, and I’ve always managed it. I put on the act and sometimes I even believe it myself. But these past weeks since the heist, I’ve been alone and I didn’t need to act or prove anything to anyone. So.. my true mess of a self has had its reign and look where that’s gotten me..” She gestured to the air, before blinking away yet more tears.

“No, Lou, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

Lou hadn’t even realised she was. She had been so wound up in Debbie’s words, broken by the pain she didn’t know existed, and furious with herself for not noticing over the many years she’d known Debbie.

“Deb, I’m so sorry-” she sniffed, “I never had any idea.”

“That’s because I didn’t want you to. I never wanted anyone to know how weak I am underneath it all.”

“It’s not a weakness.” She said instantly, looking at Debbie to make sure she was definitely listening. “It’s gotta make you the strongest person I know.”

They lay together on the sofa until Debbie fell asleep. Lou studied her stunning Ocean, appreciating for the first time how incredible she really is. She couldn’t imagine what it was like for Debbie, but as she watched her sleep, she so desperately wanted to know and to be able to take it all away.

Eventually, Lou managed to carry Debbie up to her room, placing her gently on the bed and covering her with the duvet. As she knelt down next to her, planting a soft kiss on her head, Lou’s voice was barely audible-

“I love you, Deb.”

Lou turned to leave the room as Debbie’s eyes flickered open, Debs knew exactly what had been said and was having trouble processing. It could wait. But one thing was certain, and that was that Debbie felt exactly the same way about Lou.


	3. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A relationship is rekindled.

Warm sunlight filled the room as Debbie woke up in a daze some twelve hours later. She had no idea where she was, when she was or what she was, but it tasted as though something had died in her mouth and felt as though something was banging against her skull. The events of the previous evening slowly flooded back to her, triggering an embarrassed groan. Debbie hoped beyond hope that it had all been just another of the nightmares that plagued her, but it felt too real, and a crash from the kitchen below confirmed the end of her solitary period. The room spun before her as she sat up in a tangle of duvet, resulting in another wave of nausea. Too fast. She gulped down the water and paracetamol Lou had left her before laying back down to contemplate her easiest way out of this situation. This would prove tricky. 

‘Fcking dead. Send help.’ Debbie typed out to Lou not long later, hoping this would mean that she didn’t need to move again, perhaps, ever. Sure enough, Lou’s head poked around the door in an instant. 

“You look dreadful.” She smirked, entering the room in a glorious combination of suit and jewellery, placing a fresh glass of water on the bedside table. 

She felt dreadful, and slid further under the covers in response. 

As Lou climbed in beside her and wrapped her arms around Debbie’s waist, she was struck with a memory. How could she have forgotten?

“What did you say to me last night when you brought me here?” 

She felt Lou’s physique tense momentarily. 

“I..” Lou took a sharp intake of breath, “I can’t.. oh..” She seemed to have frozen. She definitely hadn’t forgotten.

After a short pause:

“I love you, Debs, I-.”   
“I love you… Lou, I always have.” 

They both spoke rapidly at once. And the silence that followed could have swallowed eternity.

Lou breathed a small ‘what?’ as her wide eyes bore into Debbie’s.

“You heard me, I love you. And I know I haven’t shown it, but it took a long time to realise what the feeling was, and I don’t really know.. what to do about it.”

“Here’s what you can do-” and before Debbie knew what was happening, Lou was kissing her. 

She tried to pull away almost immediately, all too aware of how disgusting she was in her hungover state, but Lou protested. If Lou was willing to venture into a stale alcoholic mouth, she must really love her a lot. Or she was just really gross. 

They remained locked together, passion building between them, for a precious few minutes until Debbie had to release Lou. She couldn’t let her suffer any longer. 

“You were so wrong, last night, saying that nobody’d ever loved you.” 

Debbie studied her for a while, thinking back through their memories, how the reaction Lou’d had to the Becker situation couldn’t have been anything other than heartbreak, but how Lou had always been there for her regardless. It struck her that although she didn’t know what ‘being loved’ was supposed to feel like, this was by far the closest thing to it in her lonely life. She realised with a twinge of sadness that she couldn’t accept what was staring her in the face all these years. She was so convinced that no one could ever love her.

“I’m so sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you,” Debbie spoke softly, “and sorry about last night too. No one should have to witness that.” She added.

“You’re a bit of a mess, I’ll give you that. But hey, no one’s perfect.” She let out a slight laugh. “No, seriously Debs, I fell so hard for you years ago and there was no way out of that. Last night only made me more sure of it, and I promise I will try my best to make you feel happy and loved, because you deserve the world.”

Debbie’s eyes stung with tears as Lou finished speaking. Lou was rarely serious, but she had so clearly meant every word, and that meant more to Debbie than Lou could possibly know. There was a glimmer of hope in this newly found closeness, that maybe Debbie’s long broken pieces could be held together in Lou’s arms. Maybe she could be okay. Maybe Lou was the one person with whom Debbie could eventually share what had happened to her in her first year inside. 

***

A couple of evenings later, Debbie grinned as she entered the downstairs section of the loft. Looking up from plating a Chinese takeout at the sound of her arrival, Lou’s eyes met hers and the grin was returned. 

“It got too late to cook,” she sounded almost defensive, “that, and grocery shopping’s too much effort.” 

Debbie laughed as she took her seat at the candle-lit table. It was such a Lou thing to do.

“I see you spared no effort with your outfit either,” Debbie smirked. Lou was wearing nothing except a sexy, silk robe with a single gold chain around her neck that Debbie had stolen her one Christmas many years previously. There could be no mistaking where this date night was headed. 

“I’m saving you a job.” Lou winked, before proceeding to pour two large glasses of wine in an unbelievably suggestive manner, making Debbie question why it had taken her so long to realise she was in love with this godlike woman, and question even more so, why she had ever looked elsewhere when she had Lou.

A moment later, dinner was on the table and Debbie stood up to be greeted with a long, divine kiss. It was already the perfect evening. 

“You’re gorgeous.” Lou breathed, eyes and hands moving slowly down Debbie’s deep-red wrap around dress. 

“As are you.” Debbie smiled, before embracing her again. 

They ate, drank and laughed their way through to the night, already both set on being the best girlfriend, or even wife, they could possibly be for the other until the end of time. ‘Love’ could barely begin to cover what existed between them, it was more than that. Neither could put it into words, but they both knew that they never wanted to be without the other, ever again. Maybe they would be perfect for each other.


End file.
